Functional interactions between brain regions can be viewed as a network, enabling neuroscientists to investigate brain function through network science. Here, we systematically evaluate 768 data-processing pipelines for network reconstruction from resting-state functional MRI, evaluating the effect of brain parcellation, connectivity definition, and global signal regression. Our criteria seek pipelines that minimise motion confounds and spurious test-retest discrepancies of network topology, while being sensitive to both inter-subject differences and experimental effects of interest. We reveal vast and systematic variability across pipelines' suitability for functional connectomics. Inappropriate choice of data-processing pipeline can produce results that are not only misleading, but systematically so, with the majority of pipelines failing at least one criterion. However, a set of optimal pipelines consistently satisfy all criteria across different datasets, spanning minutes, weeks, and months. We provide a full breakdown of each pipeline's performance across criteria and datasets, to inform future best practices in functional connectomics.